Month: March 2018

I spent time the other day with a new friend, someone I met not too long ago, but instantly felt a connection with; a strong familiarity.  We spoke about many things: family, politics, books, travel, etc.  There wasn’t an awkward silence or an uncomfortable moment; a most pleasant way to spend an afternoon.  Many aspects of this conversation struck me, and when it was over, and we said goodbye, I couldn’t stop thinking about myself and my place in this world through the eyes of this human being.

I grew up alone in many ways.  I am an only child with divorced parents with whom I was and am deeply involved, but my other family members, beside the grandparents I lived with for six years in a hellish home, were scarcely in my life.  I never had the closeness I craved: no loving circle of aunts, uncles, or cousins, or close family friends.  I would always look at people I knew who had places to go and people to spend holidays with, the ones with abundant camaraderie and warmth centered around their bloodline.  That would lead me to feeling unwanted and unlucky.

As I grew up, I desperately needed to be noticed and seen.  I pretended that I didn’t need anyone, that I had an independence and didn’t need validation from the outside world, but that was not true; it was a way for me to try and mask the emotional pain that festered within me.  The hurt was so pervasive that I became extremely self-deprecating and lived permanently in a dark night of the soul.  I desired guidance, mentorship and direction, someone to lead me through this abyss of alienation.

What I’m getting at is how crucial it is to feel the interest of others, to know that your life is being seen by people who have an authentic curiosity and investment in how your life progresses.  I had a glimpse of that feeling while sitting with this wonderful, insightful, brilliant person who gets me, who looked at me deeply, not just my appearance or my resume, and sees through the surface to the unique person I am.  To feel appreciated is priceless, and how different our world would be if everyone received recognition for the creation they are.  So much pain from feelings and experiences of being unloved, of being treated as insignificant and deemed worthless, leads to devastation and destruction of mass proportions that denies so many of us the beautiful, fulfilling lives that we deserve to live.

Animals, on the other hand, are always paying close attention.  My cat Bubby stops right in front of me and stares every time she walks in the room.  Even when I’m immersed watching T.V or reading a book, she waits with her penetrating gaze until I acknowledge her and touch her body.  She is teaching me many things, but this particular lesson is that I am worth stopping for and being paid attention to.  I appreciate her appreciation and, no matter what’s going on, I let her know that I’m thankful for this most important reminder.

I’m honest about my needs even if they come across as selfish to others.  I want to be loved.

 

I love doing nothing.   That doesn’t mean I love having nothing to do.  I need action to a point, but nothingness to me means having the freedom to decide what I want to do and allow how I feel to shape my day.    I live in New York City and have always marveled at the hectic pace many people choose to live in.  I used to stare out the window during morning rush hour and actually, physically feel stressed and overwhelmed when watching others going to work.   These feelings I’ve lived with often made me feel idle and inferior to how I was told the proper way to live was.  As feelings of insignificance and worthlessness took hold of me for not being consciously motivated to create an existence where the greater number of my hours were accounted for, I shut down and pulled away from my surroundings even more.  I felt judgment when asked “what do you do, and how do you spend your time?” I wanted to scream out, “I want to spend days lying in bed reading books, watching movies, and just allowing my imagination to roam”.

I am challenged daily with technology.   I am a learner in progress when it comes to all things computers.  My aversion is such that it could take 20 demonstrations of a simple procedure to retain what I need to know.  I often feel embarrassed to ask others for help because I know these are things that they’ve been doing for years and are as automatic as breathing.

Since I started on my current path in animal and human intuition, I have come to understand slowly but surely that how I felt and still feel is more than okay.  I don’t have financial riches, but I am wealthy in ways that are precious and fulfilling.  I know why I do what I do in a way that I never quite pinpointed before.  I am a hypersensitive empath who gets overstimulated easily whether it’s noise, sunlight or someone in my face who’s invading my personal space and draining me.

An antidote to all of this is my cat Bubby.  Whenever she walks into a room, I immediately either smile or feel enormous love.  I refer to her as my furry ball of love and consciousness who always soothes and calms the anxious energy I so often feel.  Unlike humans, I never get tired or bored of her.  Everything she does is adorable and interesting, and it never, ever, gets old.   When I’m in the darkest of moods, just laying with her and having that physical contact, especially touching her warm belly, makes me realize how transient all my worries are.  She provides me with a depth of knowledge that can transform the hurt that comes up in this world filled with so much sadness and lack of progress.  Bubby saves me all the time, and because of her, it’s impossible to really do nothing when I’m connecting to her.