It’s been a while…

 

I haven’t written a blog in months.  This is due to a plethora of reasons.   I’ve been engaging with the world in a way I never did.   This past year has gone by in a flash with new adventures that have consumed me and taken me away from actually sitting down and writing my reflections and insights (which are profoundly relevant to my experience).

I have now been on Facebook for three full years, owned a smartphone for a little over two, and these two intrusive modalities have changed everything.   There’s much nuance to these platforms, not only good or bad.  To say I’ve been distracted is putting it mildly; I am burned out from all the noise and clutter being forced on my brain at every turn.   As an intuitive who works with both people and animals it’s of the highest importance that I have downtime and relaxation.  These two states are not compatible with being on social media at every waking hour on a daily basis.   The fatigue I have come to know is one of many layers regarding how I FEEL I am showing up in this world and how it relates to my gift of helping animals and people.

Who I am doesn’t correspond well with being on Instagram and Facebook.  I think many postings are inane and tedious.  I love cute animal videos and beautiful quotes and pictures as anyone would, but not all of the time, and not shoved at me begging for a like or comment.   There is so little room for ambiguity or contradiction.   I’m self-conscious about what I say because it is bound to either offend or be so bland as not to mean anything at all.   I hate being bored and, more than that, I hate boring others.

I spent two months this past year in Costa Rica working with horses.  So many interesting occurrences and details took place.  I feel I’ve evolved due to being in this magical place which is unlike anywhere I had known in the past.  I often thought to myself how come I’m not promoting my work, how come I’m not journaling and letting people know, both those close to me or not, what’s going on?  The reason?   I don’t know how to begin to articulate my experience.  I don’t even particularly want to, depending on what it is.   I’m not into this culture of endlessly sharing every cool, interesting event taking place in my life.  Like I’ve stated, this past year has been filled with stuff that I couldn’t have foreseen on any level.   This is basically the most exciting thing about being alive – the unknown and all the possibilities the universe has to offer.   These past 11 months have been filled with deeper friendships than I’ve ever known,  messages from animals that feel so right and relevant to what I need, and the absolute and utter chaos that results from putting myself out in the world to date and actively seek the person I want to share my life with.

Until a few years ago, I thought my life was over.   I was in a perpetual state of pessimism and abject misery.  I only lived to wake up and fall back asleep.   I didn’t like being outside or with other people.  Now, it is the opposite.  I can’t stay home and look forward to what’s to come.  Every man I meet is a gateway to something new.  Every workshop I lead or participate in provides growth, lightness and darkness that I cherish.   I LOVE many people in my life.  It’s a whole new experience and one that I could never take for granted.

Emotion vs. intellect

bear with cubsI can’t stop thinking about an image I came across the other day of a mama bear and her cubs hibernating.  It was a picture of absolute innocence and tranquility.   In front of this tableau was a man and his son, guns drawn, just a moment before they were to shoot this ursine family to death.

This massacre was captured on video.  I don’t know where this was or the names of the murderers because I couldn’t stomach learning the details of such a barbaric event.   At first I started to cry, then the tears turned to rage.  As the anger took hold, I couldn’t help but feel what I can only describe as a spiritual pain.  I didn’t feel wounded physically – more like an emotional bomb of revulsion along with a terrifying anxiety that animals will never get the respect they deserve or be loved and protected for who they are.   Seeing this example of a total disregard for the life of these sentient creatures, who in no way posed a threat to these barbarians, imprints itself in my psyche to be remembered forever.  I will always have this awful image in my brain, adding to the already crowded list that continues to grow.

In all of my learning about animal communication, a central theme is that there is always a bigger picture and a lesson imparted.  An animal’s demise is not simply explained by the obvious.  In this case there’s more to why this senseless murder occurred, rather than the simple fact that a violent man with zero empathy or compassion got some kind of rush or pleasure from extinguishing life and feeling a power in doing so.  But, despite what I have been taught about animals orchestrating and choosing to die in the way and the moment they do, I’m having a hard time believing that this Mama chose this death for herself and her babies.

I tell myself there’s so much good in this world,  so many souls who deeply care about the lives of others.  Yet, when unprovoked aggression occurs, it still hurts every single time.  It doesn’t get easier.  I can’t be desensitized to it.  Being an intuitive animal communicator, this extreme hyper-sensitivity adds to a powerful, revelatory connection made during a reading.   I came across this work after years of feeling great sadness and helplessness; I couldn’t figure out how to break through my limited interpretation of events.   Every spiritual pursuit I come across teaches to have compassion and forgiveness for the less evolved.  It would be inauthentic if I said I did.  I’m not there yet.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be.  Right now, as far as I’m concerned, that mother and her children deserved so much more, at the very least to wake up and continue their earthly existence.   Alas, it was not meant to be.

 

Thinking…

ape thinking

I was born to two individuals who had something essential in common.  They both believed, and still do, that critical thinking is a vital component of an intelligent, intellectual life and an active mind is imperative for an extraordinary existence.  They separated when I was six years old, but as I age and life takes me where it must, I share this opinion fully and unapologetically.   I’m always thinking about thinking.  I’ve been told in the past that I think too much and that can be a damaging load to carry.  I think it comes down to what kind of thinking I’m doing.   Thinking obsessively about what vegetables I’m going to buy at Whole Foods or what TV shows I’m going to watch that night is not the same as pondering the deep questions, the questions that have no easy answer or even an answer at all.   For most of human existence thinking for oneself was deeply discouraged.  Unfortunately, it still is in many walks of life.

Brainwashing is everywhere.  From the moment we’re born we are indoctrinated by whoever it is we live with.  Then come schools we attend, religious teachings, and the culture we’re inundated with.  We’re told what’s right and wrong, what books are worth reading, what an education is, etc.  The message is that conformity is desirable…be like everyone else, fit in, don’t make waves.  This directive has devastating effects and repercussions on lives.   We believe that in order to be accepted and liked we have to go with the program even when time and time again we learn that there’s not a one size fits all approach that works.   I question authority, and the people who I truly admire and am inspired by do also.  A person who stands up and speaks the truth when it’s called for radiates a beautiful sexy quality.  The people who say what so many are thinking and have the courage to express themselves loudly and publicly, whether about a brutal injustice or a simple truth, are the people who make a difference.  The world would be nowhere without these brave souls who don’t follow the herd.

Social media is filled with millions of people forging identities and portfolios of their perfect lives for the purpose of gaining followers who will post messages of praise.  It becomes one big never ending orgy of self obsession.  Everyone has an outlet to write and post whatever they want, whether it’s true or not, but most people post the same politically correct, socially acceptable pablum.  So many of these pages are formulaic and interchangeable.  It’s to the point where Facebook alone has changed the definition of friendship and the way we socialize with others.   For all the individual power it can bring, at the same time it takes away so much.  It saddens me when friends don’t want to or are unable to be confronted with an idea that might make them uncomfortable.  When the walls go up around a difference of opinion I get turned off and disappointed.  So many people tout their values of acceptance, compassion, and morals but when it comes down to it it’s all talk.  Authenticity frightens them and thinking from a critical standpoint is too much.  They’re in love with the idea of being unique, but when push comes to shove, they have nothing original to say.  They just continually quote the same passages from a favorite self help book or poem that once evoked something in them.

I will always choose to challenge myself intellectually.   Every book I read expands my world view.  I have met and will continue to encounter people who have no understanding of this concept of truly living by one’s experiential truth.  I’m too intense and direct for some, but that’s also the quality in me that has drawn in so many incredible people into my life.  They get me and I’m enough.  I’ve never met a positivity oozer who’s made me laugh or entertained me.  It’s the people with moxie that I have the best time with.

I end this blog with a quote from Vaclav Havel: “keep the company of those who seek the truth, and run from those who’ve found it”.

 

 

Would you think Beethoven was a better composer if he had a master’s degree?

Einstein quote

Many years ago, while in my teens and early twenties, I went to acting school.  I attended the high school of performing arts (the Fame school) in Manhattan.  I also went to other schools that had prestigious reputations.  I noticed early on how many people weren’t that talented, yet, they were endlessly encouraged to persist in a field where chances were slim to none they would end up as a working actor.  They would rack up credentials to fill their resumes with.  Meanwhile, plenty of brilliant actors didn’t need a single acting class to shine.  In my opinion, you either had it or didn’t and if you were in the second category it didn’t matter how much Shakespeare you performed, you weren’t improving.  I also attended a writing class and it was the same experience.  Week after week people would read their stories clinging to the hope they would soon be discovered and could eke out an existence where writing paid their bills.  I would sit there astonished at how boring and unoriginal so much of their writing was and then be shocked and dismayed when the teacher would tell them how fabulous their creation was.   When practicing an art, whether music, writing, painting, acting or even intuition, it doesn’t matter how many seals or degrees you have, what matters is the experience you provide to another.  In fact, I think too much professional guidance tends to lay waste to an ability that comes naturally without force.  Someone can’t really learn to be psychic or communicate with dead people.  Sure, you can learn to improve and have structure that is beneficial, but just because someone has attended twenty different programs doesn’t necessarily mean they are more gifted.  Personally, when I have an interest, instead of paying someone to teach it to me, I read.  Never underestimate the power of books.  People who have studied long and hard and have done copious amounts of research can teach me with their words of wisdom.   I don’t feel the need to have a long resume or a lot of letters after my name to prove I’m capable.

The world is full of people trying to succeed.  Success can mean many different things depending on how you view it.  When it comes to someone wanting to be an expert in any given field, most will find a program or course that will teach them how to do what it is they want and desire.   In the realm of spirituality, everywhere you look, there are loads of online schools that promote ways you can learn anything: astrology, past-life regression, tarot, mediumship, Reiki, Shamanism, etc.  These new age modalities appeal to many and rightly so.  In a universe shrouded in mystery there is so much unknown, unexplainable, fascinating phenomena.  Between books, podcasts, webinars, lectures and workshops, there has never been a time when so much access is granted to so many to pursue the esoteric.  All this is great, but it comes with a catch.  When students who feel compelled to explore these topics (with the hope of establishing a professional practice), and have the time and means to indulge, the end result is often mediocrity, because many of these seekers are strongly encouraged by teachers who ooze positivity while stuffing their own purses.

Animals don’t need any education at all.  They’re perfectly brilliant just the way they are. And, they never have to prove a thing.

 

 

Friendship

thelma and louise

Recently I reconnected with someone who, many years ago, was a good friend.  We hadn’t had contact in fourteen years except for one chance encounter.  Several years ago, I had given up the thought of resuming this friendship.  When we became reacquainted, as women in our mid-thirties, things picked up right where we left off!  Even with all the years of estrangement, way more than the years we shared as friends, we immediately clicked back to a level of familiarity and comfort that cannot in any way be forced or manufactured.  This got me thinking: what does it mean to feel connected and have chemistry with another soul?

I’m quite picky about who I share my life with.  There are, of course, levels of relationships, i.e, acquaintances, people I’m friendly with for one reason or another, good friends who are a regular presence, and then there are the people on another level – a level of love and deep affection that so dearly matter and would leave a big hole if they were no longer around.

For a good chunk of my youth, I separated myself from everyone.  I spent years in solitude due to trauma and an unconventionally, unique existence that left me hurt and needing time apart from the obligations of dealing with the outside world.  There were years where I felt elated and excited to owe no one and have zero responsibilities to another soul.  At some point, those feelings were replaced with the realization that, in fact, I did need and want friendships even with all the complexity they entail.

When I click with someone and they click with me, the synchronicity is nothing short of a miracle.  I’m always on some level surprised when I enjoy the company of another.  A lot of people are okay and easy enough, but I’m talking about the joy that takes place when a great conversation occurs, or laughter erupts that’s so hysterical it’s painful.  I do not take this for granted. Ever.  I know what it’s like to really be alone for long, extended periods of time.  I still love my alone time, my solitude, my world and inner life where no one can enter, but I am truly enamored with several people now in my life.

When there’s chemistry, nothing is forced.  The conversation flows and time stands still.  A great meal shared, a bottle of wine, or sometimes a movie can take a backseat to a wonderful, fun time of interest and amusement.  When I’m with this friend of mine it feels like no time has passed even though so many things have shifted and morphed in each of our lives.  We have a good time and what can be better than that?

Well, hanging out with my cat Bubby might trump all.

Phoebe and Leah

October Darkness

duke students memorial to Pittsburgh

On October 27, last Saturday, an armed man walked into a Pittsburgh synagogue and proceeded to kill  eleven congregants and injure more before he was apprehended.  Someone approached me today and asked me, as an intuitive, if I could have looked into this man’s eyes and known he was capable of such a murderous rampage.  I didn’t know how to respond in that moment, but it got me thinking:  how do I “know” when someone embodies darkness and would actually act on it?   Many times in my life I have met someone and got, for lack of a better word, a “bad” feeling or knowing.  I tend to avoid using the word “evil” because it’s a religious concept.  But, truth be told, I believe there are evil people in all walks of life looking to inflict terror or cruelty in any way they can.  Human beings encapsulate the whole spectrum of light and dark.  Not all darkness is bad and not all light is good.  Oftentimes someone portrays an image of love, solidarity, and compassion, but once you spend more time with them you can see the seething anger and disgust brewing inside.  We are living in a world where people have multiple identities, a result of social media.  You can have a perfectly civil encounter with someone, a pleasant conversation, only to find out on their Facebook page, or Twitter, that they’re racist, anti-semitic, misogynistic, etc.  Or, you encounter a person who’s drunk, disorderly and obnoxious, and come to know that they’re extremely philanthropic and rescue blind dogs with three legs.  Humans are complicated and their motivations complex and not easily understood in a traditional way.

But, there are people so deeply broken and damaged that no amount of love or therapy can rehabilitate a blackened, rotten, repugnant interpretation of the world.  So, can I tell if someone will proceed to commit a heinous crime?  The answer is no.  Lots of people, if not all, have murderous thoughts all the time.  (I’ll kill you if you…fill in the blank).   I’ll read about some brutal act and think the world would be a better place if the perpetrator never lived.  There are people I’ve known or encountered who I’ve found abhorrent.  They may not be criminals, but it wouldn’t make me bat an eyelash if they were no longer here.  I don’t predict the future and it’s really not possible to know who will follow through on these terrible antisocial impulses that emanate from the darkest recesses of their mind, and, conversely, who will have those thoughts but not act on them.

I am horrified by the number of guns in The United States.  So many people are packing heat wherever they go, the supermarket, the movies, out to dinner, etc.  The Beatles said “all you need is love”, and maybe so, but human evolution is nowhere near embodying the beauty and profundity it would need in order to live accordingly.  The reality is I have to live my life; I can’t hide even though an event like this makes me want to.  This despicable attack happened the day after I arrived here in paradisiacal Monterrey, Costa Rica, where there’s no television.  Usually when a crime like this occurs I’m glued to CNN for hours alternating between a state of shock, tears, and straight up anger.  Being so far away and reading the headlines online and speaking to my mother about it, I feel a little differently.   I’m removed from the immediacy.  I’m not watching the visuals, looking at the victims faces, hearing the desperation and cries of their loved ones whose lives have been changed forever.  I’m here with horses for the next two and a half weeks.  They are authentic, pure animals who radiate unconditional love and acceptance.  I will embrace this fact and surrender to all the possibilities right here in front of me.  I don’t know what’s to come, but I still have hope.

Shooting Synagogue, Pittsburgh, USA - 31 Oct 2018
Mandatory Credit: Photo by Gene J Puskar/AP/REX/Shutterstock (9954638c) Flowers surround Stars of David, part of a makeshift memorial outside the Tree of Life Synagogue to the 11 people killed during worship services Saturday Oct. 27, 2018 in Pittsburgh Shooting Synagogue, Pittsburgh, USA – 31 Oct 2018

 

 

To watch or not to watch?

Janet Leigh in Psycho

 

A topic of conversation that’s been coming up lately is about the decision to either watch the news or not.  This appears to be very polarizing.  I have always been both aware and invested in being current.  I grew up with parents who read newspapers and were avid television watchers.  They were and are people who are deeply curious about humanity.   I hear the argument made that it’s bad to watch the news because it lowers one’s vibration; being “in the know” isn’t a requirement for living a full, meaningful life.  People who think this way say there is so much horror and devastation presented when they look that they must avert their eyes to be of service in their own lives and to the majority around them.

Don’t get me wrong, the news is one long, endless quagmire of a horror movie.  The world is on fire both literally and figuratively every second of every day.  Wars, crime, environmental disintegration, epidemics; the list goes on and on.  It’s upsetting, depressing, and dehumanizing to put it mildly.  Yet, I have to look.  I am compelled to bear witness.  It is a magnet drawing curiosity and interest too strong to pull away from.  As awful as it is to know things that a part of me would rather not know, I feel compelled to see what’s out there.  It doesn’t feel right for me to ignore and avoid the madness of the world.  I don’t look at everything, obviously; that would be impossible anyway what  with the 24 hour news cycle and a gazillion online headlines and articles.  Some might say that if there’s a coup in Mali, why must you know, how will that change your life, what can you do about it other than feel bad?  There’s a point to these questions, but, not knowing doesn’t help either.  I’m a human being and I want and need to have awareness of what’s going on even if it’s 10,000 miles away.  The political situation is abhorrent and unequivocally horrifying, yet it utterly fascinates me that with all the years of human evolution, it’s come to this.

Being informed is something I do not take for granted.  In many countries the news is controlled and the populations do not have freedom to access it.  I never forget that I’m able to learn and know about whatever I want.   I am riveted by pop culture as much as I am about North Korea.  I can’t turn away.  I cry, I get angry, I despair.  Nevertheless I feel it’s my duty as a citizen of this world, in this time of total insanity, to take in whatever my limited brain can.

The antidote to all of this are the animals I am in contact with.  As hopeless as the world can appear to me, and as great the possibility of it’s inevitable collapse,  when I’m with my cat Bubby, watching her sleep, I can breathe a sigh of relief and smile.  She is pure love and beauty and the complete opposite of the nightmare that we all exist in even if we decide not to look.